Pirate's Cove

If they have their way, afternoons of watching football with beer and hot wings will end

There is a battle for America’s behinds.

It is a fight over toilet paper: the kind that is blanket-fluffy and getting fluffier so fast that manufacturers are running out of synonyms for “soft” (Quilted Northern Ultra Plush is the first big brand to go three-ply and three-adjective).

It’s a menace, environmental groups say — and a dark-comedy example of American excess.

The reason, they say, is that plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made by chopping down and grinding up trees that were decades or even a century old. They want Americans, like Europeans, to wipe with tissue made from recycled paper goods.

Dear Lord, don’t these people have anything better to do with their lives? Using soft and fluffy TP is a “choice.” Keep your dirty stinking hands off my body!

Toilet paper is far from being the biggest threat to the world’s forests: together with facial tissue, it accounts for 5 percent of the U.S. forest-products industry, according to industry figures. Paper and cardboard packaging makes up 26 percent of the industry, although more than half is made from recycled products. Newspapers account for 3 percent.

So, you just need to blow you nose in your hands. It’s more environmentally friendly, and fun to boot!

This probably won’t shock you

Felling these trees removes a valuable scrubber of carbon dioxide, they say. If the trees come from “farms” in places such as Brazil, Indonesia or the southeastern United States, natural forests are being displaced. If they come from Canada’s forested north — a major source of imported wood pulp — ecosystems valuable to bears, caribou and migratory birds are being damaged.

So, you must use hard, scratchy, rough TP to save Gaia from anthropogenic global warming. Sigh.

Anyone want to be on the kind of TP that Climate Alarmists have at their homes and businesses, or, would it be better to not go down that road?

Crossed at Right Wing News and Stop The ACLU