Pirate's Cove

Some afternoon humor. Put this more in the category of “silly environmentalists”, rather than “barking moonbats”: They’re just trying to be Earth friendly, nothing wrong with that, but, they do really get a bit wacky: Ask Umbra’s 5 surprising things to make you a lover like no other

2. Protect your sweet thang’s thang: Go ahead and be kinky, kids, but make sure you take endocrine disruption off your list of fetishes. Break up with your blow-up doll and that jelly vibrator, while you’re at it. Lots of popular sex toys are made of PVC — a fancy name for vinyl (no vinyl, that’s final) — or with plastic-softening, hormone-disrupting phthalates. Heat and agitation from use can cause toxins to leach from the toys. Get yourself phthalate-free glass, wood, metal, or silicone, like these toys at Babeland.

While you’re at it, cover your junk with a garlic-flavored, whiskey-flavored, or philanthropic condom. Ladies looking for an elegant, ecologically sound birth control solution, consider the copper IUD. Mind you, there is not a garlic-flavored one nor do they protect against STDs. The IUD is affordable and can be used for up to 10 years.

I’m thinking that glass, wood, or metal vibrators could be, um, dangerous, ladies. Not really understand the flavored condoms, though. Especially the garlic. Perhaps one of you ladies could stop blushing and explain it.

4. Show you care and give a fuck: Giving an experience is a great way to show you care without giving not-so-sustainable stuff. Take your special someone to a seasonal, local spot for dinner. Afterward, show your locavore what a locawhore you are … and give these sustainable positions a try: the Bamboo Sheet Boogaloo, How-to-Screw-in-a-CFL, and the Renewable Energy Romp. If you really want to go all the way for the world, consider being an eco-porn activist, like our friends at Fuck for Forest.

Three words I really never want to see together: eco-porn activist.

5. Be a cunning linguist: Keep learning to speak the language of sustainable love and share what you learn with others. That’s hot pillow talk!

I’m thinking even a hardcore enviro-weenie lady might be a bit put off if you talk that way, gents. Tell her you love her post-coitus, and stay awake long enough to murmur some sweet nuthin’s into her ear. Cuddle. Make her a sandwich after-wards.